Yes, this is a post about being single. Yes, it might be the caffeine rush. And yes, I’m reading too much Thought Catalog again. Bear with it.
Months ago I had a conversation about the need to take spaces to think about what we really want in life, in a partner, and stuff. We agreed that taking spaces is needed, especially when we were just starting the twenty something experience; we need to figure things out. So i took mine.
I feel glad that I took the trip that let me reinvent myself, let me meet new people, taught me to step out of my comfort zone, and most of all, taught me that it’s okay to be afraid, because changes are normally frightening.
It took me almost a year to find out what I want and finally do it. And friends who weren’t afraid to speak up their mind and tell me that I do deserve better. And meeting new people. And an amount of school-related stress. And self-realization that some changes need to be done, unless I can handle not being content all the time.
And so here I am, single again, after years of being in a relationship. It is liberating. It’s even better than when I finally ended the long distance relationship that wasnt going nowhere back in high school. Yes, initially it was weird, not having a constant someone anymore and having to face questions from family about that someone’s whereabout.
But in the same time, it is amazing. I can list some fun things about being single, again: the anxiety of what’s going to happen next; the relieved face of my friends when I told them the news (haha i do realize it, guys!); the excitement of being back in the game; the hilarious jokes thrown at single people; the social time that you have to hang with friends; and of course, the sense of independency that was once lost.
However, the most important thing is, for me, that being single again lets me appreciate what I have and who I am. I can be the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be (seriously, you’ll winced if you realize what an unhealthy relationship can turn you into); and as I once told my friend, I realize that I dont need a boyfriend to make me feel good. People around me are already so great and caring. My support system works really well.
But just because things are pretty much going on well doesnt mean that it doesn’t get lonely at times. It does. I often find myself longing for company to try some new food with, or partner to get scared the shit out together by watching a recently released horror movie. And not that I don’t have friends, it’s just…. sometimes it’s not easy to find someone(s) that share the same weird taste as mine. It takes time and patience.
In the mean time, I am blessed with friends who are pretty much available any time I need them. Or even when they’re not, there’s always Line and group chats. And I do have things to do, like composing proper lines to put on my thesis outline, my internship, and scrolling Buzzfeed’s pages.
For all I know, loneliness is not a good reason to rush into a relationship. It’s not falling in love, it’s falling in love with the idea of being in love.
And as much as I am a hopeless romantic, I still think that rebuilding trust in people and relationship takes time -let alone trusting new people (sorry, strangers!)-and no one knows how much time we need. Maybe it takes only a month, maybe three years, maybe five, or maybe we’re already there. Who knows.
(PS. If you enjoy books – from poetic ones to The Hunger Games; understand classical music but still listen to Backstreet Boys and Blink 182; think that obsessing about Dexter is totally normal; can talk about a damn lot of topics -from current political affairs to BBC’s Sherlock (!!!) ; would watch any kind of movies -from The Hobbit to Moulin Rouge; tolerates Rocky Horror -plus someone singing ‘Sweet Transvestite’ from time to time; and love cookies, call me. Seriously, we could be buddies. Oh, and I’ll make you cookies. My cookies are pretty damn good.)
(PPS. To my support system, Kiks and Bils, I hereby say thank you, and I love you.)