T’as raison, mon ami.

“Whenever you have a problem, come to us. We’ve been through the same thing, so we know how you feel. We’re the one that actually understand, above all the people. We’re all in this together, we are a big family here.” — Reorie 2009

Yeah, right. I love being a part of this crowd. There’s always someone that i can talk to, who shares the same crazy state of mind as mine. Not everyone, but there’s always someone; boys, girls, older, younger, doesn’t really matter. Thank God.

love, a proud returnee.

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Hey You, I Miss You. Not You.

I miss Adelia 2009 version.
I miss all the bright colors, the sneakers, the laughter.
I miss the good times, all the struggles I’ve been put through, all the positivity.
I miss not having to hear all the shits that I can actually beat inside my head.
I miss the ability of being careless of the not so nice people.
I miss the ability of being nagging as a way of revenge.
I miss being able to deal with loneliness.
I miss having the friends I can text to anytime, the ones I can talk to all day long, the ones that listen to any crap I say and I’ll listen to the craps they say.
I miss not to worry about silly things, knowing that everything’s gonna be alright.
I miss being cheesy, yet happy.
I miss the decent warm hugs.
I miss the way people say hello and ask ‘how are you’, the way they mean it, not because they have to.
I miss smiling to people with a smile that comes from the inside.
I miss being nice.
I miss everything nice.
Most of all, I miss me.

You thought everythings alrite, but heck, everythings not.

Heck yeah, ive been crying almost every night lately. Nothing’s actually really wrong but I cant help but cry. Well, I know that must be something wrong, been thinking, and yeah there is.
“Whats really wrong with being lonely, loneliness is the only feeling ive ever felt.” Oh to the hell with it, im so done with being emo-ish.

I feel…. Alone. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I hate my college life, I hate every single thing about it. I hate the fact that im not in Singapore instead doing things i like. I hate the surroundings. I hate the people who name themselves as friends, but theyre purely not. I hate not having anyone that I can feel comfortable with. I hate being in this 2010 batch at college. i hate the fact that I don’t know what the fuck im doing here majoring communication. I hate the way people look down on me when I told them where im studying right now. I hate the fact that I don’t let myself mingle with those kids, for the fact that I cant like them until now. I hate when my so called bestfriends don’t even care about me. I hate that I have nobody to count on. I hate that Gai isn’t in UI, Kiky is in HI, leaving me alone. I hate everything, everyone, including me.

I need to get out of here. I need to move out and start a new life. I need to be in a place where I belong, where I can mingle. I need to find something to do to distract me. I need a new environment. Fuck with “never give up”. Fuck with everything. I don’t care about everything, about anything. I don’t care about you, all of you, and all of your business. Fuck with the word ‘friends’, have I ever be one of you, one of your ‘real’ friends? Ha.

Places, People, Insecurity, and dammit i wanna be slim!

WARNING: this will be a whiny meeney girly lame post. i am telling you.

I feel terribly fat and not good looking. well, the last one isn’t fully true (if you know how snobbish i am). but yes, i feel fat.

i gained 13 kilos over my exchange year, even though i lost those frigging weight and got back to the before leaving numbers, i still feel fat. dammit. I TOLD YOU BEFORE ITS GONNA BE LAME. I’ve never been the kind of person who’s comfortable with her body, nah, not at all. even though I’m not humble enough to be shy, but yeah i never like my body shape. not telling you that I’m not thankful with this perfect body, i mean i got all the body parts complete. but yeah, you know what i mean.
And even any of you got thinking that this has something to do with boy thingy, nope baby, you are wrong. have you ever heard the saying “Women don’t dress up for men, but for other women.” Oh yeah, talking about women ego and self confidence. isn’t it stressful enough seeing like literally almost everybody looking skinny and really good? never mind the thought that you cant fit into those cool stuff on online shops which i bet only customized for models (and normal girls). And please, don’t even start with “Curvy is sexy” dammit, it was Beyonce who said that. Beyonce. Look at her so called curve!

Okay i gotta stop. i know. what i really wanna write here is actually the fact that places and people could really change your mindset. environment shapes you, positively or negatively. in my case, its the second one. i remember back then in France, i was a huge girl (not gonna tell you the number!) yet i felt extremely comfortable with how i looked. i knew i was fat, but well, i didn’t really give a damn about it. my friends were okay, everyone was okay, and so was i. it didn’t even matter for me that most of my girls were like supermodels. but now, i look much better than back then, but hell i don’t feel well. is it the place where i live in now? is it the people? is it the common sense here of good girls should look good, and by looking good they mean skinny? is it the atmosphere here where every girls wants to be skinnier and skinnier, even the skinny ones. is it the people who always feel free to comment about literally everything? is it the people who thinks that outer look says it all out loud? or is it simply me?

i don’t know. maybe i should see a shrink. maybe i should see a nutritionist. or even a beauty surgeon (nah, cant afford that one for sure). all i know is i know i look much better than i did last year. but i feel worse.

Update!

Hey dudes and dudettes!
Its been a super long time since my last post. Not that i dont wanna write anything, its just that the internet connection here is soo slow and annoying it makes me lazy to type, and i cant stand tying long paragraphs from my cell.

So my life has just begun (again) in the same old place but different surroundings. Ive started my 4th year of highschool back in SMA 8. Things are pretty good in school, i have some friends, my class is a blast, i love my fellow returnees, the lessons are still as crazy as always, well like ive said, its all okay. There are also some things that are pretty annoying for me, things that they call as Culture Shock. So many things are different from what we have back in France. Like how teachers mind about simple random things on their students, and the negative attitude that spreads throughout the school element, i dunno, am i just being to witty or its just the way it is in indonesia?

See, i cant share my opinions without looking like a snob who has been abroad. But yeah its all different here and there. My seniors are right, my real adventure begins not when i’m abroad but when i’m back in my natural country. Adapting will be harder here. Hope it’ll be a blast too like last year.

Anywhoo. I dont think i can write as many as before. Senior year is pretty crazy, especially when you werent studying hard last year and go travelling instead lol. And i have to prepare for my SAT and TOEFL, i wanna go to Singapore Management University next year (wish me luck!) and also i have to study for UAN and SIMAK thingies because i’m scared that SMU is like too far away to reach. But i can already see myself living in spore next August :p Crossing Fingers! Last reason why i dont think i cant write like i did last year, i dont think my life has as much drama as last year. I have had enough drama for my adolescence years. Time to be an adult, i’m eighteen and its quite old (esp. im surrounded by sixteens and seventeens) I’d prefer to focus on SAT Vocabs than silly love stories like i did last year 🙂 (But yeah, im still single and searching lol)

Okay, i gotta stop blabbering.
See ya!

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS JUST TOO GOOD

oke sekarang gue ada di sebuah kota kecil namanya Bollene, antara Lyon dan Marseille. Gue dipindahin hostfam krn hostfam gue pada sibuk dan gakbisa (tapi kayaknya sih gak mau) nganetrin gue ke Valence buat ambil bis ke Paris hari sabtu pagi buta. jadinya gue cabs lbh cepet. gue ceritain lengkap ntar deh di jakarta.

perpisahan dgn tmn2 sedih bgt, nangis2 dikit, sama hostfam biasa aja. hostmum gue masih brengki ngeselin abis shitty deh ntar gue ceritain males gue ngomongin dia lg sensng2 gini haha

so skrg gue lg di Bollene di hostfamnya tmn gue namanya eva, dr islandia. and it is great! ada swimming pool, gue brng, ikutan sun bathing (gatau diri udah negro haha), ada tv lenglap dgn cable dan audio sistem, tvnya juga gede haha ada PS 3, ada Wii, internet ada, keluarganya sumpah oke abis, ada bocah lucu bgt uur 5taun. tmn gue si eva juga baik bgt. dan gak ada waktu2 shitty dan crappy kayak dulu gue brg si hostmum rese gue itu haha

anyhoo gue mau liburan lagi ya!
flight gue nyampe kam 10.10 wib di sukarno hatta tgl 13; so see you when i see you 🙂